We’ll let you know …

A curious thing this, whenever they tell you in an audition how good you were, it’s more or less a solid guarantee that you didn’t get it.

Subtext is involved. In a screenplay it would look like this:

THE AUDITION

by

A. N. ACTOR

(c) 2016

INT. DAY. A LARGE REHEARSAL ROOM.

FADE IN:

At the far end there is a long table behind which sit, the DIRECTOR. He/she is accompanied by an ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT, there are as many as three or four other IMPORTANT & PERCEPTIVE PEOPLE.

Off to one side sits the READER, this is an actor (just happy to be working) of either gender who reads with YOU, the one auditioning.

We enter the scene a moment after YOU have uttered the final words of the material you’ve prepared. There is an indeterminate silence as the ROOM waits for the DIRECTOR’S verdict.

DIRECTOR
Fantastic! Thanks for coming in.

YOU
You’re welcome. (What am I gonna do? Stay home?)

DIRECTOR
Terrific work! (But you’re not the man).

YOU
(Self-effacingly) Really? (Should I linger and schmooze this guy?)

DIRECTOR
(With huge conviction) Outstanding! (Why doesn’t he leave?)

YOU stumble to the door, everyone in the room wears an encouraging (but distant) smile.

DIRECTOR
Really excellent work! (I thought he’d never go).

YOU
(Confused. The atmosphere in the ROOM indicates that YOUR presence is surplus) Er … Oh …

DIRECTOR
Have a great day. (Have a great life. We’ll never meet again).

YOU, walking backwards as if leaving a royal presence, collide with the door as YOU turn to exit and ANOTHER ASSISTANT enters with coffee for the DIRECTOR.

YOU
(With hand to BLOODY NOSE, as you cross the threshold out into the world) No, no, it’s nothing.

DIRECTOR
(To ATTRACTIVE ASSISTANT) Remind me to never compliment an actor. So needy!

General laughter from the ROOM.

CUT TO:

YOU walking down hallway hearing laughter.

YOU (V/O)
I should have gone to law school.

FADE TO:

The STORYBOARD image in YOUR head.

art

21 thoughts on “We’ll let you know …

  1. federica b

    Hi Colin! Unfortunately I lost my phone last week during the storm and I’m not reachable…..I hope I will have time to buy a new one during the upcoming weekend, I hope to see you soon!Best Federica Berto

    Reply
  2. Barbara Dirickson

    THIS was heaven!! Oh how many times…. But how brave are we…..!? I salute you… I salute every single actor…. Because WE are the ones who go through THAT snobby rejection… And then go out in front of a 3000 seat house and tell a story. How brave are we…. How BRAVE are we…

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Reply
  3. vinylrecliner

    Omg this was my last audition

    “Nothing is worth more than laughter. It is strength to laugh and to abandon oneself, to be light. Tragedy is the most ridiculous thing.” -Frida Kahlo

    >

    Reply
  4. bill and judy

    your a clever man colin
    congrads on your nomination for h boys
    new windows today in our condo front and back
    judy gets a new knee monday at jupiter medical center
    both my boys are comming in for her procedure
    see you next winter
    love to trish
    bill and judy

    Reply
  5. Deborah Mayo

    Have just started teaching an audition course at my university….this will become required reading for my budding actors….may scare them to death, but, hey, truth hurts — and you’ve presented it so perfectly it makes me laugh (and cry). How the heck are you, old friend? sorry to have been so outta touch. Hi to Trish. fondly,
    deb mayo

    Reply
    1. Colin McPhillamy Post author

      Hi Deb!

      Lovely to hear from you! Lots of news, among other things, Trish and I got married and moved to Westchester! Glad you liked the vignette (an amalgam of many such experiences) would love to catch up sometime in person. Am around in the greater NYC for the foreseeable. Hope you’re well, all best, Colin

      Reply

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